Grief Is A Portal

Not a lot of people know this (I even forget it myself), but in 2006 I had big goals of working in the fashion industry.  I had completed a program in Merchandise Marketing, I was working at a then-little-known company called Lululemon, and I saw myself working as a buyer for some oh-so-cool clothing company.

But then.

In January of 2007, my then-boyfriend/best friend died.

And suddenly, fashion just seemed so, well, pointless.

I couldn’t have known it at the time, but my grief in response to his death became a portal.

It was IN my grief, and THROUGH my grief, and BECAUSE of my grief, that I started SEEKING.  Seeking knowledge, seeking understanding, seeking an answer, seeking solace.  I didn’t even know what I was seeking, but while I learned a LOT, I never seemed to find it.

Until recently.  And ironically, what I have found has made me less interested in the grief I had known.

It has been a long time.  18 years.  So some might argue that I have “moved on” or “gotten over” my grief.

But I’d say, that’s not true.  My grief is still very much a part of me, and a part of my story.

But.

I now see it differently.  I understand it differently.  Grief is not just one thing.  Yes, grief is crushing, and overwhelming, and isolating, and confusing.  And also yes, it’s inviting, and magical, and opening, and interesting, and full of potential.

I’m no longer feeling inspired to talk about grief in the ways I used to talk about.  I’m inspired to talk about it as what it is to me now – which is a portal to a greater understanding of the Truth of who we are.  And in that lies the Truth of who are beloved deceased are.

This is an unfolding.  I don’t have words yet to share all of my recent experiences that have brought me to this point.  Stay with me.  It’s coming.